The Doodz

Photo taken in Xinjiang at Karakul Lake. The doodz I had in Xinjiang caused me to lose 6 lbs. An upside to the doodz.

Anyone who has traveled to China has been stricken by some of the worst la duzi (diarrhea) they’ve ever experienced.  La duzi has in fact, become such a way of life for me and my friends that not only do we discuss it openly (very unlady-like, I know), but we have a nickname for it – the doodz.  When I went to China the first time in 2003, aside from one incident where I shat myself in a grocery store, keeping the doodz at bay wasn’t as hard as it is now…I assume age has something to do with it.  Or maybe the food safety issues have actually become worse in the last ten years.  In any event, the doodz is now something that I have to plan for.  I arrange my day around meal times and ensuring that there will be a bathroom nearby for at least an hour after I eat.  I’m going to relate some incidences that happened to me in the last 6 months.  It’s going to be gross.

Last spring, I caught my third bout of giardia for the year.  One day I was out walking around with my friend Susan and of course, I needed to use the bathroom.  We went into McDonald’s because they’re usually pretty clean, but that one was disgusting…it had squatty potties (not good in an explosive situation), no toilet paper and the ground was covered in pee because for some reason, even though every Chinese person grows up using squatty potties on a daily basis, they still can’t get the aim down.  So we kept walking.  I thought I was going to make it back to my dorm room so I started walking faster.  Susan informed me that I had the “I need to shit” walk and that it was blatantly obvious that I needed to shit.  I was about 500 meters from school when I realized it wasn’t going to happen.  I ran into a “western” style coffee house and walked into what I thought was the bathroom, clenching my asshole and walking stiff legged because I was afraid.  Then the waitress called out to me “no, no, it’s over here!” and I had to butt clench walk all the way across the restaurant and everyone was looking at me thinking “I’m not going in there after her.”  I made it into the bathroom and got my pants down just barely in time.  There was an explosion that actually shifted the tilt of the earth’s axis by half a degree.  Oh my gawd, what a mess it made.  It was a squatty potty and as such, there was nothing to control the collateral damage of the nearby walls and floor.  The situation suddenly got worse when I realized the flusher didn’t work.  In order to make myself feel better about what I’d done, I imagined the unlucky person on shift that night who would come into the bathroom later and have to clean it had probably done something terrible earlier in the day and therefore, deserved this terrible twist of karma.  I left the scene of the crime and found Susan stressing out over the menu.  She’d planned to just order something cheap to justify the wanton destruction of their bathroom, but there wasn’t anything on the menu that could be called cheap.  So we picked up our coats and ran.  I can no longer walk down that side of the street past that restaurant.

Not long after this incident, there was another one.  When it’s not la duzi, it’s the opposite.

I made a trip to north Korea in April and as is typical in Asia, there was a toilet incident…there always is.  However, the luxurious bathrooms at school with their copious amounts of toilet paper and western toilets had caused me to lose my edge and drop my guard. By the time our group arrived in Pyongyang, I realized I hadn’t done a number two in a few days…this was a little unusual for me, since diarrhea is more often than not the soup du jour in China. I also had forgot to purchase any toilet paper for use in public restrooms, since in a country like north Korea where there’s barely any food, one can hardly expect to walk into a store (there are no stores…there’s nothing to buy) and simply buy toilet paper. I literally didn’t know what to do. Two more days passed and my discomfort grew. It hurt to sit. Standing was no good, I needed constant movement. My only option was a combination walk/sit, which made me look like the hunchback of Notre Dame lurching around Pyongyang. Finally, I was to be freed from the yoke of constipation. I was casually leaning against the bar in our hotel trying to look comfortable while my friends drank beer when suddenly I knew something was about to go horribly wrong. My room was on the 21st floor, but the elevator was slow at best, broken at worst. I only had one choice and that was to crab walk up to the bathrooms on the 3rd floor. I got there to discover that not only was there no electricity, but there was also no toilet paper. It was too late. I sat down and let loose. I instantly felt 20 lbs lighter. For about 5 minutes I had not a care in the world, then I returned to reality and began immediately searching all of my pockets for any scrap of tissue I might have. I came up empty-handed with the exception of a pocket full of Chinese money…all I can say is it wasn’t as coarse as I thought it would be and at least I didn’t get an infection.

Advice for those planning to travel to Asia:
1. Always carry tissues
2. Always carry meds for the following conditions: diarrhea, gas,
constipation, food poisoning
3. Leave your dignity at home, you don’t need it here